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Post by Nicole on Mar 1, 2006 19:57:02 GMT -5
of COURSE you can minnie!! anyone is welcome here would you like to share your story? love,nicole
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Post by sugarblue on Mar 2, 2006 16:33:58 GMT -5
i have just posted in another thread, but i'm going to post here to introduce myself and say hello to everyone else...my past history is a lot like minnie with both anorexia and bulimia, in that i was anorexic for awhile, although i only got down to 97 pounds before my mom staged an intervention and sent me to a nutritionist, i gain back to my healthy 120 and then start throwing up my food because i wanted to loose weight again, that led to binge eating and another stint of anorexia, which im just coming off right now...i've only lost 10 or 15 pounds, but i really need to stop this and start eating healthy again...for me the hardest things are to stop restricting and obsessing about food and my body, im very self conscious and equate my worth to my weight, which i know is really not the right thing to do, so right now i am really striving for balance and have started doing pilates and exercising again, which was hard to do when i was so weak from all of that dieting before...i'm trying to look at food as fuel and not as an enemy and i'm really trying to not let it control my life and who i am as a person...well, this has turned into an autobiography of publishing proportions, but it felt really liberating to just write it all down and share with you guys...i really look forward to the support we can give eachother because sometimes its hard to talk to those around you...and i love the way there is so much positive energy on this board, i'm always so excited to read new posts! ;D
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Post by Nicole on Mar 2, 2006 17:17:18 GMT -5
its so good to have you on here sugarblue! welcome welcome i know what you meant about equating your worth to your weight, cause i tend to do the same. for example, today i was at my speech competition and i was wearing a business suit, and when i found out i had made it to finals, i felt so confident and good about myself, and then i went to the bathroom to check my hair and saw my "new body" in the mirror and felt HORRIBLE and then had a horrible attitude about my speech ability. it was so stupid. anyway, glad your here and i'm happy to support you! love, nicole
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Post by minnie on Mar 2, 2006 17:42:57 GMT -5
Thanks for the welcome Nicole! Sugarblue - I know what you mean by striving for balance. I started out dieting to just lose 15 pounds and ended up losing 30, it became an obsession that just spun out of control. I weighed 95 pounds at my lowest and I'm 5'4. My periods stopped for over a year, and even BC pills were not working to help me menstrate. I would eat between 1000-1200 cals. a day and exercise for like 2hrs./day also. My body was basically in starvation mode for a long time. I think the binging started as a "survival response", I just couldn't control how much I was eating. I had basically lost all sense of hunger and fullness. I would try to exercise off all the food the next day and vow not to binge again, but as soon as nightfall, I was ravenous again. There was definately a lot of stress in my life also at the time also. I yo-yo dieted for close to year losing and gaining, over and over. My self-esteem, already low, was practically zero. I felt like a freak and was always afraid of what others thought of me. My ED was a secret for the longest time. Sometimes, I wish someone noticed and said something. I'm sure friends/family were suspicious, but no one ever came out and said anything. I tried self-help books,hypnosis, therapy (several times), prayer,meditation CDs. I eventually found the right therapist and now it is just a daily practice. I still struggle with the obsessive food thoughts and urges when I get stressed, angry or hurt. My binges are few and far between in comparison to before. I would literally consume at least 5000 cals. per night. It was INSANE to say the least. Honestly, I think my faith in God has helped me the most.
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Post by sugarblue on Mar 2, 2006 19:56:07 GMT -5
oh my gosh minnie, when i read your post it was like i was reading about myself, we started and ended up in the exact same places...i'm 5'4 also with a low weight of about 97, i eould eat that same amount and then, just as you described...i began to binge as a response to how hungry and malnourished i had become, then i would exercise like crazy the next day and not eat a thing, until night time when i would binge again because i made myself so hungry by not eating at all, and during every binge i would promise myself that the next day or 2 i would fast and exercise some more...and it was this endless cycle, i had a lot of emotional stress at the time and my eating sort of correlated to that...and then there was the gaining and loosing of weight and finally i stabilized for awhile, but now ive started restricting again...i just wish i didnt relate food so much to my emotions and that it wasn't such an obsession, but i'm glad you've dound something that is working for you because i understand how difficult that is, i've been thinking about a therapist also, what is your opinion of your own experience? and i really admire your faith!! also, thanks nicole for welcoming me, i know, body image really effects your confidence, even though you are the same person inside and im sure you looked GREAT in that suit!! not like a little girl dressed up in her mothers clothes, but like a confident and attractive woman!!
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Post by penny on Mar 2, 2006 21:52:36 GMT -5
LOL yeah Nicole - I sure am addicted to milk... I don't know why! The weird thing is, when I was born, I was allergic to my mom's milK! LOL! So I had to have special expensive formula stuff. Then I was a huge milk drinker during my kid ages... then, just a few months ago I started having really bad reactions to milk (stomach problems!) - and I think it was because I was eating so much LESS than usual, that all of my milk consumption made it too hard on my stomach to digest! So yeah I prob. developed a lactose intolerance from being anorexic. But now I just drink lactaid (lactose free milk) and BOY IS IT GOOD lol. Whole milk was what I used to help me gain, but to me it's too chalky. 2% is my fav. But now to maintain I mix it w/ skim to make 1% (it stinks how lactaid doesn't just make 1%... or if they do... the grocery store we go to doesn't sell it! darn!). lol. Okay this was off topic but hey! lol!
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Post by penny on Mar 2, 2006 22:00:15 GMT -5
Oh and just wondering - what are your girls' stats? Nicole -I know you are 100 now, right? How tall are you - I always forget!!! I think we are pretty much the same BMI now, because I think you started gaining when you were at a lower BMI than I was! I am 5'7.5/8'', and am now 115! And goin' strong! :-) I think that's a BMI of about 17.7 - which still isn't *normal* yet - but we'll see how this weight goes! I think I will still try gaining up to 120 to at least be in the normal range, and this weekend I will start Provera to see if that helps! If it doesn't (which it might not... last year when I was 115 and even 120 I think it still didn't work...), then I will go back to my OBGYN and see if I can RELUNCTANTLY start b.c. pills... I don't want to though because people say you overeat and gain weight when you are on b.c.p. - which I guess wouldn't KILL me lol but still. I am just soo afraid of being unhappy w/ my body again and going through this whole cycle all over again. But I don't think that will happen because track will keep me in shape so the weight I gain will be muscle and not jiggly stuff lol. Okay enough talk! I got a huge physiology test tomorrow over the cats that we are dissecting during class (yeah- talk about gross). It was actually really hard for me to do it because when you skin it, you can see the globes of adipose (fat) and I'm like... gross.. so that is what my body needs more of... lol... and you really don't feel like gaining weight. But that hasn't stopped me!! LOL! I don't care if fat looks gross in real life... when it's under my skin it is just making me healthier and curiver and sexier and stronger and a better athlete! LOL! So yeah!! Okay bye girls! TTYL! (ps: my BFF that lives across the country in pittsburg called me from long distance and cheered me up! she is actually having a lot of home problems - the reason she moved away was because of a divorce between her parents - we met when we were 3 years old and have been best friends ever since - even though she moved away 8 years ago... but yeah she is just amazing! she might even move back here where her dad lives if her mom keeps acting weird and stuff.. so that would be awesome!)
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dani luvs her girls
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Post by dani luvs her girls on Mar 2, 2006 23:44:23 GMT -5
Penny: Just curious, have you talked with your doc/nutritionist about maintaining yet? I'm curious to hear what they have to say. ...partially because you are about an inch taller than me, and ironically have the EXACT same "goal maintanance" weight that i had for myself in original rehab from my "big anorexia" time....of course, at 5'6-7" 115 was actually the minimum weight the medical ppl said was "safe for activity" [my activity weight] and they really helped me see that I was doing the typical "seeing bigger at what was still bone thin" of post-ED/distorted vision.... ...the main key was I hadn't gotten my period yet. Supposedly that happens even BEFORE your body is at it's "Setpoint". Anyhow...I am not by any means saying you have not really conquered an AMAZING feat to reach that goal--just thought I'd share a little from my story since it sounds like you MAY be in a similar boat. SUPURB to be healthy again--but sometimes our ideas of the "perfect" weight are a little, uh, light! [har har har] Also, I'm so sorry your bday had such a crash landing! That definitely STINKS! I hope it's all made up for tomorrow!
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Post by Nicole on Mar 3, 2006 17:09:45 GMT -5
i'm5'3" currently 100!!! sorry i can't write longer replys but i'm on my way out but i read all the posts! toodles love, nicole
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Post by lemontart on Mar 10, 2006 17:31:22 GMT -5
Hi Everyone! I posted for awhile on the SELF forum, but stopped because I didn't really feel connected to everyone. I am hoping to find support and also be supportive of everyone here! I am a recovering bulimic and I am ready to get my life back ;D
I am on my way out, but I will come back later tonight and read all the posts!
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Post by katie on Mar 10, 2006 18:30:19 GMT -5
lemontart- you've come to the right place for support! i'm katie.. recovering from ED as well.. although my story/history is kind of complicated! these girlies on here are awesome, i love them to death! i'm sure you will too .. SO WELCOME!!! <3 katie
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Post by lemontart on Mar 10, 2006 18:48:53 GMT -5
Thanks for making me feel welcome, Katie!
So here's my story (I'm sorry if I start to ramble): I'm 23 right now, and my bulimia started when I was 16. I met this guy that I really liked, but he was a stick! He ended up being a jerk and making me feel like I wasn't skinny enough for him (I was 5'4", 115lbs). After that, I started wanting to be extremely skinny just to win him over, and I started restricting to around 500 cals a day. I lost around 20lbs in a few months, and he still didn't want me, and I guess my I just lost all feeling of self-worth. That's when the binging and purging began. This whole guy episode was coupled with emotional abuse from my mom and older sister my whole life. My parents were very controlling, and in a way, the bulimia was the one thing I could call my own that no one could take from me. But, eventually, my sister read my diary and found out and told my parents. Since then, everyone has been treating me like a ticking time bomb, which is not a good feeling. I am trying so hard to get better, but it is so frustrating when my family is always so suspicious.
I started seeing a therapist a couple of months ago, and I really like her. But up until a week ago, I was still binging and purging, but didn't want to tell her because I knew she would be disappointed. But I am tired of always trying to please everyone else but myself! I want to take control of my life and get better once and for all!
The bulimia tends to rear its head when I am either extremely happy or extremely sad. I am finding other things I can do to take its place. For awhile, I just stopped going out and I refused to eat in front of everyone. But I am taking baby steps and I know I will be able to get back to being my usual social self again.
Thanks for reading this! I'll try to post as often as I can!
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Post by katie on Mar 10, 2006 21:04:11 GMT -5
hey there! sounds like he WAS a big fat jerk-- you're better off without him. it's awesome that you're dedicated to getting better; so am i! and i know what you mean about people being so suspicious. before my ED i was OVERWEIGHT.. and well i got really thin.. and although on a selected few people i know actually know about my situation.. i always feel like theres people watching me and my eating habits.. and scrutinizing.. and ahhh! it's so annoying! i'm always here if you need to talk nice meeting ya! i'm always on here.. so i guess i'll ttyl <3 katie
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Post by penny on Mar 10, 2006 21:45:59 GMT -5
Dani! Sorry I didn't read your message beforehand! But no I haven't talked w/ my therapist/nutritionalist about maintaining, because due to track, we had to cancel the past two meetings. But I am scheduled for... next week maybe? There's just no time for a meeting now that my after school time is occupied w/ track...!! It stinks. But yeah I think I still need a body image checkup... I know 115 is NOT even where I should be yet, but I still feel like that's as far as I want to go... even though that's still prob. not heavy enough to be truely healthy and get my period back! What BMI should I be @ to be truely healthy? I guess my ultimate weight goal would be 122... (well, that's the weight that my nutritionist set for me) - which is @ a BMI of 18.5! Which is a big leap from my lowest BMI of 16. But whatever has to be done I guess!?
<3 PENNY!
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Post by owlsilverdawn on Apr 21, 2006 15:27:19 GMT -5
bonjour! I am an avid self reader and was so sad when you left the forum...I found you all very inspiring because I suffered disordered eating (not full fledged anorexia but I was nearing that point). I hope to post on this forum every once in a while because I feel like I am posting to my peers.
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